Cap’n Crunch
I thought about him the other day and how this Captain specializes in sailing the milky seas of breakfast looking to add a little sweet crunch to your a.m. routine. I did some hard research and hit up the wiki wiki (imagine a record scratch sound when I say that) and found that his full name is Horatio Magellan Crunch.
Hold up. Wait a minute. Let me put my two sense in this. I want to commend the creator of the Cap’n for taking such interest in his name. I can see the furrowed brow and scattered pencils and paper around a table of cereal enthusiasts with a bowl in front of them:
“Okay, friends. Right in front of you is a bowl of Cap’n Crunch. I need a name for our captain. A good name. A name that is honorable yet playful. A name that calls back a sense of nostalgia to the olden voyage days on the rough uncharted seas yet keeps the theme.”
Mary looks up and says,
“Moby Crunch”
He shakes his head and stands,
“NO MARY NO.”
Dennis scratches his head,
“Columbus Crunch”
He gets back up,
“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!!”
Then the young assistant comes in and softly remarks,
“You know two of my favorite captains were Horatio Nelson and Ferdinand Magellan. Bye guys!”
He watches him walk away with tears in his eyes.
“That’s it. By golly that’s it. Horatio Magellan Crunch. Guys go take a 3 hour lunch.”
This is of course all false. All of it. I just like to make up scenarios in my mind.
Also, did you know that the plain corn pieces are treasure chests? I didn’t know that. I just thought they had ridges. I also find it remarkable that no matter the color of the berries it always tastes the same!! Do you also know that you can get crunch mouth from eating the cereal? It causes your mouth to become irritated from eating fake treasure chests.
I wish I could solve a lot of problems by crunch-a-tizing things. Like forgetting to pay the rent, taking out the trash, or bad relationships. Just turn it all into a bowl of Cap’n Crunch and eat up you sassy thing!!!
So next time you eat Cap’n Crunch think of me. I’m the one wasting my time researching this crap.
