I was at starbucks the other day getting a coffee to fill an insatiable void of energy in my body when this woman orders a coffee and decides to talk about her life.
Now, it’s great you have a career but in my personal opinion unless you are asked what you do in life do not waste my time in ordering or the barista’s by interjecting about what you do in your life.
This woman orders an iced coffee and then interjects,
“I JUST MOVED HERE FROM LA. I AM A PHOTOGRAPHER AND I DECIDED TO RELOCATE TO CHICAGO. I PRIMARILY DO FASHION PHOTOGRAPHY.”
This goes on and on and on to the point I have a strained smile and I’m no longer patiently waiting for my coffee.
Nothing prompted this. Nothing. The barista didn’t ask what brought her here. She just felt the urgency to share with all of us that she was a photographer. Now, if I looked like Heidi Klum this would of been fate bringing the two of us together.
People do this all the time. I never want to declare I am a comedian unless asked because then I get the same unoriginal demand, “Tell a joke.”
Maybe I should of just asked her to take my photo and send it to Ford models where they would politely reject me and say amongst colleagues that I look more like I could model for Wal-mart’s White Stag collection for women.
Coffee shop workers and retail workers are notorious for being in gossip seshes with their co-workers. I especially love it when they feel like they have been inconvenienced by a customer’s presence. A tilted head and guffaw like laugh accompanied with the realization of a customer turns into a straight faced glazed expression saying, “What can I get you?”
First of all drop the stanky face. Second of all this might be funding your American Apparel obsession to buy tights that are so expensive they should be indestructible; however I make this business go round and round due to my obsession with caffiene and looking posh.
Also, businessmen don’t look down on me when you see my Oprah magazine on the table. Oprah is a strong woman that can hold a bouquet of flowers with the title “You, Happier Than Ever,” and still buy your company out with a smile and fists shaking happily up in the air. What you put out comes back. Judgment will be knocking on your clean expensive door soon if you continue with your frowned expressions.
Cute girls wearing tight yoga pants thank you. I love watching bi focal wearing men stare at your butt and look up innocently whenever you turn. There are facebook pages dedicated to you.
I love coffee shops, and I think I’m going for round two on this iced chai but I swear on a pile of american apparel tights if you give me that look again I will destroy your displays and pour coffee grounds into my mouth screaming.
Coffee grounds are forever much like diamonds. Ask Elizabeth Taylor when she was alive what she would like in the morning with her breakfast and I think she would say “get me some coffee” rather than a cup full of diamonds. Maybe Mountain Dew will phase out in the year 2040 but rest assured that coffee will prosper on until the end of civilization.
It’s likely I could live without coffee but would I want to? Would I want to walk through city streets without feel good java pulsing through my veins? It’s a toss up between feeling like Eeyore or like Mary Tyler Moore as she makes her way through the city. However, if she really threw her hat up in the air everyday like she does in the intro that would be irresponsible. First it would annoy the crap out of people, and some kid would intercede catching it and running off. Or it would blow onto an oncoming car or fall in some pile of assorted dirt; if it’s a knit hat you best believe you are going to have a horrible time picking off the myriad of magnetized dirt.
I drink coffee everyday. If I don’t drink it I start seeing life as a chore with sunken eyes and tears filling up the rims as I stumble into things like my BAC is over the legal limit. When I drink coffee I usually throw open the door and float through the day like a song.
So to all the coffee addicts out there drink a cup and you know what drink another cup shortly after. Coffee is good at all times. Drinking coffee in the morning is one of the most miraculous events in my life. It takes me to the highest of highs. I wish I had the choir from sister act 2 singing “oh happy day” as soon as I turn the coffee pot on. Then when that boy sings the high note on, “When Jesus washed,” is when I finally taste that heavenly energized liquid.